Written by Russell Meyer
Published: May 18, 2005 at 9:07 PM
A New Hope
The time has finally come for plans to be
revealed. The evil empire has competed
construction on the tallest, fastest roller
coaster on the planet. Named Kingda Ka,
the 456 foot giant has officially been set to
launch guests to 128 MPH beginning tomorrow,
for privileged season passholders.
However, a small rebellion of BLOGFlumers,
(well really only one) has been alerted too late
to the completion of this Kingda Ka, and only
received an e-mail this morning regarding the
test of its full capabilities. While the Six Flags
Empire will give birth to the most powerful
machine in the universe, it will share its birthday
with something far more important, ME.
This weekend will bring the official public
launch of Kingda Ka, and it will be left up
to a small band (probably more like a few
thousand) of brave volunteers to withstand
the agony of a four to five hour wait to
experience the ultimate power in the universe…
The Empire Strikes Back
Screamscape 5/16/05
Turbulence was ready to sweep through Hershey,
Pennsylvania this summer. The Giant Wheel was
removed, and plans were on schedule to install
the world’s first “Frequent Faller” roller coaster.
Hersheypark and Interactive rides could not come
to terms, and darkness is building. Only the brave
lawyers (yeah right) can save the doomed project
now. Without a new marquee attraction for 2005,
and the possibilities bleak for a new attraction for
2006, Hersheypark could lose the battle to remain
in the top 20 most attended North American theme
parks.
Reports have another compact roller coaster arriving
next year, but a rumored B&M dive machine cannot
be built because of contracts signed with Busch
Gardens Tampa giving them North American dive
machine exclusivity for the near future. The court
battle will rage on, but Hersheypark will need to
find another attraction to fill a gaping hole at the
front of their park…
Return of the Jedi
Yahoo 5/17/05
Darkness abounds as the empire continues to
control the galaxy. However, justice has been
served in Sevierville, Tennessee as Charles Martin
has been convicted of reckless homicide. His
failure to keep his Zamperla ride in proper working
order has cost him up to 4 years in prison.
The victim’s family has also sued Martin, the park,
and Zamperla for $96 million. It appears that the
safety system designed to shut down the attraction
if harnesses became unlocked had been bypassed
by crossing wires. The apparent deliberate action
could set a precedent, and place responsibility on
park owners to endure attractions are in working
order.
While tragic, the incident has shown that state
inspections may not be sufficient to maintain
safe ride operation. Armed with the knowledge
of this incident, other parks should do whatever
is possible to keep their attractions safe for every
citizen of the galaxy…
The Phantom Menace
Screamscape 5/18/05
In a strange twist of fate, Universal Orlando
is setting the stage to open a new attraction,
but has mysteriously closed another. Without
explanation, Universal Studios Florida has
closed Nickelodeon Studios. Not even the
powerful Jedi Knights can solve this riddle,
as activity in the area has vanished.
While the status of Nick Studios is more
mysterious than the Sith, details surrounding
Universal Orlando’s upcoming attraction Fear
Factor Live have been released in graphic
detail. Not only will guests be subjected to
intense physical challenges, but they will
also be tasked to drink smoothies containing
delicious ingredients like cottage cheese, clam
juice, and octopus.
While every ingredient used will be FDA
approved, the combination could be more
sickening than watching your master be killed
by a double edged light saber…
Attack of the Clones
It was once known as Wild World, but
now Six Flags America has embraced
the ideas of the Republic, and is putting finishing
touches on Hurricane Harbor. While the
two newest water slides, Tornado and Bahama
Blast are not yet complete, the park has
high hopes that the most cloned attraction
in the world will bring peace and prosperity
to Largo, Maryland.
The park has also repainted its collection
of waterslides, and renamed “Crocodile
Cal’s Outback Beach House” to ‘Buccaneer
Beach’. Another clone, Mind Eraser, has
received a refreshing, and ride-smoothing I
might add, paint job that may just breathe
life into one of the worst operating
roller coasters on the east coast.
May 28, 2005 will see the debut of
the “new” water park which will still
be included in the standard daily admission.
While the improvements are needed,
they are minor in comparison to the
additions to enemy parks in the mid
Atlantic…
Revenge of the Sith
War! Florida may have another one on
its hands as Busch Gardens Tampa
debuts North America’s first dive
machine tomorrow, the first coaster
to feature two near-vertical drops and an
inversion.
The war erupted as Busch and Universal
blessed central Florida with some of the
greatest roller coasters on the planet in
the span of just a few years. Debates
continue to rage on in the senate as to
who is winning the war, but the balance
of power may be shifting west.
With tough competition, Supreme Chancellor
Robert Iger just may unleash a powerful
coaster of his own sometime early next year
in the form of Expedition: Everest. With his
powers growing, Iger may just seize control
of the war with his new creation, and retake
command of Florida coaster dominance…
Even so, strong with the Force, you are. Column enjoyed, I did. Lame Yoda impression stop, I will.
That was funny. Awaiting Comment from Darth Baxter.
Warmest regards,
Jar Jar THC
"Okeeday!"