Bus-ted!
Do you know what’s really magical? Walt Disney World.
Do you know what’s not so magical? Riding a bus.
I apologize if you own stock in Greyhound, but riding a bus kind of sucks. It has all the drawbacks of flying with none of the coolness. No attractive stewardesses with tiny bottles of happiness, nary a peanut in sight, except one that you might find stuck between the seats; the movie is always "Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo," and no bus driver ever has given me a “steel wheels” keepsake pin.
I’m not sure what Disney is paying the guy who comes up with all these brand PR and marketing euphemisms, but anyone who can take a bus and have it become widely referred to as a “Magical Express” seriously needs a raise. They don’t even call the regular buses “buses,” they call them “Disney Transports.”
Whatever you call them, according to Disney, their transports on average run every 20 minutes from all WDW onsite resorts. And in response I chuckle like Ed the Hyena from the Lion King.
Now, on occasion, I’m sure you might get lucky and hit it just right with your timing to walk right on board the bus you need, but more often than not in my experience, this is a clearly an optimistic estimate. These magical buses are subject to Mickey’s Law (which is like Murphy’s Law, only cheesier… drum roll/rim shot.)
Mickey’s Laws of Magical Buses
Speaking of #2 above, I’m convinced that the Disney bus drivers are engaged in sort of points-based competition involving speeding off just as a family shambles up to the bus stop looking like zombie extras from The Walking Dead.
One Point for each family member, left behind plus bonuses for:
This must explain why every visit I have made to WDW while my lovely wife was very pregnant involved vainly trying to run after a just-departed bus, yelling and waving like a loon as if under siege by a swarm of mosquitoes. I didn’t mind though. Her doctor said it was good for her to continue to exercise well into her pregnancy, and she usually got pretty close to catching it...
What? Those bus drivers certainly weren’t going to stop for me; at least she had a chance of getting a pity stop!
Now you might not know this interesting little factoid but among the many things that are going or have already gone extinct at WDW (such as the Osborne Family Spectacle of Dancing Lights, affordable ticket prices, the Maelstrom, rides at Disney’s Hollywood Studios) include partially camouflaged analog corded phones at the various Disney bus stops.
In years past some people, many of whom were not my wife, grew frustrated at the lengthy amount of time it was taking for a bus to arrive and would pick up these phones, which I assume were there for cast members technically, but not marked as such.
People who picked up these phones were connected to some mysterious disembodied Voice of Disney Transportation who magically controlled the bus routes at WDW much like the Wizard controlled the special effects in the Emerald City Palace in Oz.
And if those callers happened to be pregnant and also my wife, they would demand in a third-trimester-voice, “Where’s the bus!?” Just like that tiny but angry little old lady from the Wendy’s “Where’s the beef!?” Commercials.
I’m sure it’s a coincidence that all these phones have now been removed from their respective bus stops.
And is it just me, or do you all remember a time when these theme park buses contained seats for more than 10 people? We used to get multiple rows facing forward like, you know, a real bus. Yet now we get a semi-circle of seats arranged like a therapy group meeting around a standing room-only space the size of a wedding dance floor. Why? So Disney can pack more and more guests in like sardines, of course.
What’s more fun after spending a long day in the parks than standing up for an entire bus ride while trying to hold onto the handrail, your kids, 57 souvenir bags, and a stroller that refuses to stay folded while staring into a bunch of strange armpits and trying not to fall onto one of the seven people seated around you each time the bus lurches to a stop or start. Zip-a-dee-doo-dah!
What about Universal?
Unlike Disney’s fleet of roughly 18,000 Disney Transports, the only onsite Universal hotel that regularly utilizes full-size transport buses is the Cabana Bay Beach Resort. While these buses suffer from the same addiction recovery group type seating as their WDW brethren, there are quite a few more positives.
Since the Universal shuttle route is limited to two points, Cabana Bay and Universal’s CityWalk, there always seems to be a convoy of buses in motion, minimizing both the wait times and the amount of people on each bus. This in turn leads to you frequently being able to actually sit down, which on a Disney bus has become almost as difficult as getting dinner reservations at Be Our Guest. Plus the Cabana Bay buses have surfboards affixed to the roof and are painted like powder blue “woodies.” Ahem. Insert your own joke here.
The Universal equivalent of the Disney bus, I mean Transport, would have to be the Water Taxi. Three of the current four Universal onsite resorts (Royal Pacific, Hard Rock, and Portofino Bay), plus the forthcoming Sapphire Falls, utilize the water taxi system.
While I realize these boats are basically floating buses, the positive is they are not a standard form of transportation in every city in the world (except perhaps Venice, Italy) so they make for a more - dare I say - magical transportation experience while on vacation.
I think cruising on the water in a partially open air vessel, under walking bridges, and past lush tropical foliage just makes for a better experience than a bus on a highway. Especially for folks who don’t live anywhere near a body of water back home.
There's nothin' on earth like a genuine bona-fide electrified six-car monorail!
I used to love the monorail as a kid. Remember when getting to ride up front in the pilot’s cabin was the coolest thing ever? Unfortunately things change. Getting to hop into that cool nose cone of the monorail is no longer an available option, and I’d rather navigate I-4 on a unicycle during Central Florida Rush Hour Traffic than ride in a WDW monorail.
Why, you might ask? Because in my opinion the WDW monorail fleet has gone from a spotless futuristic mode of transportation to the back of an New York City Taxi Cab, circa 1979. They have become filthy from all the constant wear and tear, with torn upholstery and nasty stains. Some of these monorails are run-down, when they are running at all that is....
They seem to be breaking down more and more frequently, and I can tell you first-hand that this particular experience is worse than sitting through Stitch’s Great Escape. Okay, maybe not that bad. But close!
We were on our way from one of the hotels on the monorail loop to the Magic Kingdom for a Mickey’s No So Scary Halloween Party, when we got stuck. On a standing-room-only monorail filled with costumed folks on a warm October day.
And since the monorails run on electricity, when they go down so does the air conditioning system. Bibbidi-bobbidi-B.O.! Thank goodness it was only about 20 minutes before we limped into the MK station.
Other people haven’t been so lucky... Just this past October guests were stranded for hours between the Contemporary and the Magic Kingdom until Reedy Creek Fire Rescue was able to affect a rescue. Some guests were removed via cherry picker and everyone else was towed back to the TTC (Transportation and Ticket Center.) Even worse, there have been quite a few crashes, as recently as last month, when a monorail that was already being towed became loose and crashed with a tow vehicle. (No one was hurt and no guests were involved.)
Monorails have been the both the most efficient and popular mode of transportation at WDW for years, so why is it that lately are they breaking down so much and not being maintained to look nice and shiny?
Well, I can’t tell you why, but I can relay one simple truth: monorails (and buses, and any form of guest transportation for that matter) don’t make the theme park any money. From an economical standpoint, it is a strictly a cost. For what it's worth, reducing maintenance and upkeep reduces cost. However, reducing maintenance and upkeep also increases the risk of accidents, malfunctions, and dinginess.
How will Disney respond to this situation?
Monorail Fireworks Viewing Dessert Parties!
Just kidding… Disney would never take over a vital guest transportation system to use as a thinly veiled money-making scheme by charging for something you can see for free and providing low-cost dessert foods while charging upscale restaurant prices. Oh wait…
I won’t go into the Ferrytale Wishes wherein WDW takes an entire ferry out of service for a dessert party since Robert skillfully covered it all. From what I have heard (but sadly not yet experienced) the monorail trains at both Disneyland and Tokyo Disneyland Resort put the WDW ones to shame.
So, what are your thoughts, input, and first-hand experiences you can share for this transportation conversation?
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Disney's boats that serve Epcot resorts are pretty nice too...I just wish there were more of them to more places.
There is hope though. What if the buses were driver-less? What if the "Magical Express" was a fleet of unique driver-less vehicles to whisk guests around the resort. What if the vehicles were themed to Adventureland, Fantasyland, Tron, or Star Wars? Maybe Disney World can recapture that vision of the future. Maybe they can really create a Magical Express.
The MK is a different story. The inefficiency is a nightmare that takes away a good amount of fun of visiting. Good idea in the late 60's, but it has long lost its fun except for the first visit by a 6 year old.
Dirty busses, slow boats, or aging trains (monorails). Time for Reedy Creek to build some high quality mass transit that efficiently handles WDW and could also tie in with a regional system to other attractions, hotels, airport, and the convention center. It'll never happen as Disney doesn't want to compete.
I can only assume you were trying to be humorous, but in which case I didn't get the joke....
It just reads like another 'Disney is rubbish, Universal is wonderful' article.
Will it cause the track to bend?
Not on your life my Hindu friend.
At one time (many, many years ago) the WDW buses did provide reliable transportation. You could park at one themepark and ride the buses the rest of the day while park hopping.
If I were to ever stay on Disney property, there is no way I would rely on their bus transportation to get anywhere. I would still rent a car.
It seems that they are now more dedicated to take guests to the resorts rather than to parks. If I'm doing my single day park hop to all four parks, it's way easier to drive to each one and walk to the gates. I'm also saving a lot of time and getting some extra exercise while I'm at it.
If you still want to ride the buses I do have one tip - do not start your day with your car parked at Animal Kingdom. It's almost impossible to get back there at the end of the day from one of the other parks.
Not to sound like a conspiracy theorist, but I think there's more to the monorail maintenance issues. One factor I could easily see is crowd control going into the Magic Kingdom. If the monorail is "broke down" and the only way to get to the park is to ride the ferry, then this allows for more control of the flow of guests arriving at the front gates. Sometimes I've wondered if it would faster to just walk around by the Contemporary when the monorail is down and they are only running the ferries.
I have nothing but praise for Cabana Bay's buses. They run frequently which allows for low wait times to get to Citywalk and back to CB. Like Rob mentioned above, when I visit UO my car stays at the resort (and ug, I'm paying to park it there), but I can go for days before I need to use it since I'm staying on property. The only time I end up using it is to drive to Disney to visit the various parks or run a few errands to stores.
The worst part of the buses is the lack of information. Am I going to wait 20 minutes? Or an hour? Cause I'll get an Uber or taxi as my time is worth it. My vacation hours are precious, and while I love to slow down, I want to do so over dinner or on a bench on Main Street USA. Not waiting and watching as other resort buses come and go while I sit--or more likely, stand--growing anxious and wondering what is to be.
Anyone who's reads this and can't at least crack a small smile needs to take life a bit less seriously!
And thanks for the advice about taking my life less seriously. I'll try to bear that in mind.....
If anything i think they have too many buses on the go at once - i think every 30 mins would be good enough and much better for the environment (but it is a fantastic service)
As an Orlando local and someone who has gone every year of my life to Disney and Uiversal I can agree that Universal is much less stressful for transportation. Just riding the tram from the parking lot at Disney is a freaking 45 minute lawyer safety spiel torture that gets restarted every time people cross the line and board the tram that cannot move until it plays its 10 minute safety spiel. Nothing more magical then seeing people yelled at for boarding a parked tram or being ticked off that they cannot board a parked tram that mocks then for several minutes before it moves.
I took my three year old niece to Universal because I wanted her to see characters roaming the parks and I did not want to plan every second a year in advance and wait in hour long lines for rides that she has no clue about anyways. The creepy singing baby ETs were just as good as the creepy small world dolls to her and seeing spongebob roaming the park made her day. Personally I think it is more magical then getting a fastpass and waiting to meet them while being forced through a cattle line with a forced picture. All Disney needs is a slide to kick kids down a la "A Christmas Story" to make the line go faster Next!!!
Tim, When you spoke with Universal, did you or they suggest the Attractions Assistance Program (AAP) or the Guest Assistance Program (GAP) as a possibility to assist with your insulin pump issue? I believe that both programs are still in effect, although the AAP might be the best solution to your medical situation while visiting UO.
For those of you who felt the article was being unfair to Disney, I'd like to remind you all of the days when DW was the Magic Kingdom, the hotels on the monorail line, and Camp Wilderness. Back then, you either drove your car to the resort and rode the monorail or the ferry to the park or you took the boat from the campground to the park or you walked to the monorail station at your hotel and you rode the monorail to the park. I don't recall there being too many issues with getting around the resort since Disney had all of their assets pretty much located in one place.
Now that Disney has decided to maximize their revenue by massively expanding the number of on-property hotel rooms and quadrupling the number of resorts, they have no one to blame but themselves for not properly addressing the transportation issue and letting the infrastructure go wanting. Disney is starting to address the problem, but they have a ways to go before they can provide the high quality and themed transportation that they once provided.
As far as those of you who feel that Paul is being unfair and is resorting to Disney bashing, I say hogwash! Paul is just using humor to point out that Disney is failing to meet their own historical standards and is starting to pale in comparison to the quality of the limited transportation system at the USO resort. So if you don't like him pointing out that the emperor has no clothes, I have a simple solution for you - DON'T READ HIS ARTICLES!
Jeff Elliott, another talented writer on this site, has for the most part quit writing articles for TPI partly because of the emotional and unwarranted criticism he received from the Disneyphiles. So, unless you have a factual basis and not an emotional or anecdotal basis to disagree with Paul's humor, you might want to keep it to yourself. Or you could stick your neck, your time, and your writing skills on the line and see how it feels to get a pile of lazy potshots thrown at you!
After being at the parks all day, we are exhausted. Recently, on a busy days, it is not uncommon to have to wait upwards of 30 minutes for a boat or monorail to get to the TTC, then another fifteen minutes to catch a tram, or a fifteen minute brisk walk.
But I cannot think of anything they can do to fix the situation short of raising ticket prices some more to control crowds. It was a neat magical idea, but the logistics of it suck.
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