With that in mind, I present a greatest hits compilation of theme park pet peeves and the perpetrators behind them. This list was compiled through public observation, personal experience, and a little Q/A with some of Theme Park Insider's finest. Some are bigger transgressions than others, but all actions on this list are guaranteed to generate contempt or worse from at least twelve other people.
The Line Cutter — Have you ever been standing in a two-hour slow moving line in the hot sun and seen somebody - or worse a handful of people with stupid little smiles on their faces - jump in line a little farther ahead, out of your reach and range of voice? Do you ever wish you had a hand grenade in your pocket for these occasions...ok maybe a little harsh, but sometimes it's the little things that bother me the most. The young ones might get a free pass. It's the ones who know better…the college age children, wannabe gangsters, mouthy teenagers, and 30-year-old adolescents that need loaded into a cannon and shot out into the parking lot…park ejection in the most literal sense. If you are a line cutter over the age of 12, congratulations…nobody likes you.
The Seat Nazi — Park employees probably shouldn't be on this list, but until park management learns that assigned seating policies are just lame, these poor ride ops will be on the list. To give credit, many are gracious and polite, trying to shed their status as "the man" as they order grown adults around like children in order to save five minutes of average hourly wait time. The guy's just doing his job, but as a paying customer, is it that unreasonable to let me sit wherever I want on the new roller coaster that I traveled three hours to ride? I'll answer that…it is not.
Wannabe Baller — This is the guy (and it's always a guy) who wins the basketball and dribbles it around the park for the rest of the day. The problem is that he can't dribble without losing the ball and sending it rolling or bouncing into a crowd of people. Amazing that he can somehow pull two free throws out of his rear end to win the prize, but can't make it 5 steps without booting the ball. Especially obnoxious are the ones who think they are Kevin Durant and try to crossover and spin around some old lady walking towards them (yes I've seen it happen more than once). Dude, you can't play, and if you can…we don't care.
The Backpacker — Question…what exactly does one need in there to walk around for a few hours and ride some rides? What resides in these fully stuffed backpacks with three water bottles clipped to the back - packs that literally double the size of the person carrying them? Despite packing everything else needed for a weeklong excursion, they always seem to forget the bottle of self-awareness. You know…the bottle that says not to stop suddenly in the middle of the walkway, reminds them that there is someone behind them in the queue, or that people don't really like being body checked by a massive bag of nothing in particular when you turn around. This isn't the Alps or the jungles of Vietnam, and unless you are a professional photographer or a parent of pre-toilet-trained children, you need only a few things on this mission, most of which can fit in your pocket. Free your minds, your backs, and our personal space.
The Soggy Bottom Boys — Don't you just love when you're next in line for the ride, and the person that gets out of your future seat looks like they just jumped in the lake? Inevitably, you walk upon a wet seat, something expected on a water ride…not so much on a dry ride. I'm fine with a seat freshly splashed by a wave or some other form of water cannon. I am not fine with a coaster seat containing somebody's 30 minute old warm, smelly, swamp-assy water sloshing around in the car. Who knows what's in that cocktail. I can only imagine what goes through the mind of the germaphobes in line. For the love of God, fellow man, public safety, and my pants…dry yourself off.
Parental Malpractice — As a parent of three young kids, I hereby claim complete and full license to say the following. What is it with parents yelling and screaming at their kids in the middle of the kiddieland walkway? Isn't this supposed to be a fun family time…a time to let off some steam and have fun with your kids? Which part of that fun involves exploding in the middle of a captive audience, making your sleep deprived, sugar overloaded six-year-old cry and throw a fit, casting legions of awkward vibes upon the immediate vicinity and making our well behaved children and everyone else around uncomfortable and/or annoyed? Of course they are tired, hot, and thirsty…they've walked a few miles today and it's 90 outside. Of course they don't want to go home...what kid ever wants to leave the park and go home? And maybe, just maybe, that six-year-old is crying because they scared of the 300ft/90mph coaster with six loops and the mega-wedgie slide. They aren't brats, they are kids, and kids learn behavior from their parents…that's you, remember?
Fashion Fail — Anyone who has had a look at People of Walmart knows exactly what I'm talking about. Look, I'm all for self confidence and things, and people have the freedom to express themselves and wear what they like in this great country, but why…why…why? There are many questions one can ask, such as…What makes a guy wear a t-shirt in the kid's area that looks like a Mountain Dew logo, but says "mount and do me" or …Is there something in the air that makes undergarments disappear and clothing shrink to three sizes too small? Should butt cracks have to buy a ticket of their own? After all, there are so many hanging out in the park. Did the red-light district close for the day and all the hookers came to the park? All very valid questions, considering some of the mighty interesting visuals we see on the midway. You know, the ones that go way beyond the realm of mere self-expression and fall into the category of either "Good Lord, my eyes!" or "What the hell was that?" And at the water park……I'll just stop now. It seems that in most public places people choose to dress normally, but for some reason the amusement park and Walmart seem to grant some sort of invisible license for people to wear things that let's be honest… nobody wants to see. There ought to be a website…
The Stapler aka Man's Worst Nightmare — Ride safety is really important to this passionate ride op, and there are smashed nuts rolling around in the coaster car to prove it. These airtime-killing masters of vasectomy use the lap bar as a lethal weapon, crushing legs and the family jewels in their relentless pursuit to make us a permanent part of the seat. What's bad is that they seem to work at the coasters with the most airtime, and even worse and more puzzling…some of them are guys themselves. Can they not sympathize? Maybe they need a shot to the pills as a friendly reminder. Ride op 101: Airtime is intentionally designed and the lap bar is a restraint, not a torture device.
General Douchebaggery — This is behavior that may be a little more ambiguous, but everyone watching is thinking exactly the same thing (see title). It could be any number of things like wearing shoes with the skates built in and weaving through crowds or wearing saggy pants and walking very slowly down the middle of the path…holding up the 25 people directly behind them. Line smokers fall into this category, and also those who can't seem to locate one of the 5,000 trash cans in the park. Employees aren't exempt here. A few are found in the food stands, serving ancient fries and smashed burgers with a smirk. Others inexplicably reside in guest services. Yes dude, a customer asked you a question. Put your phone down and do your job.
Spoiledus Braticus — First-world problems really are the end of the world aren't they…at least to these people. This category is reserved specifically for adults who behave like children when they are mildly inconvenienced or unsatisfied with their situation. Normal human beings would take this in stride and maintain some dignity, but not here. There is a subtle art to complaining and getting what you want, and these people are about as subtle as a linebacker, and they give street demonstrations too, usually followed by a security escort. Yelling about closed rides, yelling about rigged games, yelling about lines, yelling because the ATM machine is down and they have to walk to another one to withdraw $200. Many of us have witnessed such meltdowns…like throwing a fit because the computer controlled lockers won't open. This guy had to wait 15 minutes (gasp) for I.T. to come, and the whole time he was literally yelling at the ride manager, loudly demanding that his entire 6 person party be reimbursed for their day (tickets, food, gifts, everything). His reasoning…They were late for a dinner reservation. After 10 minutes or so, some of the people in the crowd, all waiting patiently for I.T. just the same, began to grow tired of this middle-aged child, and one almost fed him his teeth for dinner. I personally was hoping that the security office had handed out tasers to the guards that morning. Unfortunately they didn't.
And there you have it. I wish I could say that you won't see hear or otherwise fall victim to one of these party fouls, but if you visit enough places it's inevitable. Best to just take it in stride and tell a story someday…perhaps in the comments below. The floor is open for additions to the list, tales of woe, or just plain ranting.
Earlier: How to have a horrible theme park vacation
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On the flip side, you will find the families with the timid husband and the loud, overbearing wife with a mouth like a sailor.
I posted a story a while ago about a guy who wanted to get other people into Spider-Man with no wait, even though they already used their Express Passes once during the day and the other people in the group didn't even have one....
I managed to get him more riled up with my completely calm comments about the way he was acting, then we cut right in front of this group in the Express line. They were still arguing when we came out, but other employees had come to help.
We decided to get right back in line again as they watched. I think I yelled out "Express Pass coming through!!!" just to be a mega-douche.
I simply said "That's really classy with kids around..." I don't even think the big lummox knew I was insulting him.
Soggy Bottom Boys - Classic.
We DO carry either a small backpack, fanny pack or shoulder bag just b/c we may buy a shirt or other souvenir & need some place to put it. Also, we generally carry sunscreen, snacks/water/extra film (YES I still use film! :) ), baggie for stuff we don't wanna get wet, a place for our sunglasses during the ride, etc. plus walkie-talkies if we get separated.
I used to wear those cargo pants w/all the pockets & that helped a LOT...til I got on the ride & in the sit-down coasters, I could barely fit in the seat w/my pockets full so I quit stuffing them w/our necessary stuffs & started carrying a bag but we don't carry LARGE bags, just big enough for what we may need but I do at least show courtesy by carrying my pack in front of me while in line for a ride.
1) The parents who won't make their overweight child who's definitely old enough to be walking off some of that fat, and who tolerate the child's tantrums when the kid gets upset that they can't sit in the stroller while standing in line for a ride.
And...
2) Those who think using a stroller as a battering ram to force people out of their way is acceptable behavior.
My last trip to Disneyland was one where I encountered both. But the #2 type ran into a bit of trouble when he got a bit too aggressive and rammed an attorney who politely got park security involved and proceed to have them call the police because he wanted to report the man with the stroller for assault, so he could then sue him. Mr. Stroller was sweating bullets. In the end, the police were never called and the attorney seemed satisfied, so I asked him why he bothered. His reply, "I wanted him to slow down. And I wanted to tie him up for an hour or so, just because he was a jerk and dangerous." Bravo!
He was wearing filthy baby blue short shorts circa 1978 and socks pulled up to his knees with sandals, I'll never forget it. Ugh....
Two recent examples:
A. Pixar Play Parade, California Adventure. Sitting on the curb, directly across the street from me, mom sniffs and looks down the back of the pants (if you're a parent, you know the drill). But then, instead of gathering the child and bag and heading to the nearest restroom, she just plops him down right on the edge sidewalk and proceeds to take care of this blow-out. If that weren't bad enough, THE PARADE WAS IN PROGRESS, and I'm sure the performers on that side of the street really appreciated that site (not to mention the folks watching in the near vicinity).
B. Princess Dot's Puddle Park: Mom decides to just go ahead and change young man's entire set of clothing...of course, as he's standing there naked, he proceeds to present an offering to the foot of the stranger standing next to him.
Wheeled conveyance user (stroller, wheelchair, ECV) who MUST leave a large audience show at the exact same time as all walking guests, think Fantasmic! or closing fireworks. They only get in the way of a smooth exit by everyone and also ram into the crowded walkers and are oblivious to their actions. Just stay an extra 5 minutes, the masses will be gone and you won't have everyone's butt in your face.
People who stand in line for food for many minutes and never look at the menu boards until they reach the ordering cashier. Counter service at parks is slow enough without their help.
I didn't understand the 'reserved seat at rides' peeve and not getting to sit where you want. I always can sit in any seat I want as long as I'm prepared to wait behind everyone else who was there first and wanted the same seat. My favorite is the front seat at Space Mountain in Magic Kingdom, I just have to wait for several cars to leave before I get that seat. The ride attendants never refuse my request. I must not be going to the parks that don't accommodate requests or have a strange operating method.
I give backpack people a lot of slack, so long as their backpack doesn't look like they are taking a week-long trip to the outback or something. When we had kids we had a lot of stuff we had to carry.
I do hate the people who just stop walking in the middle of the walkway, or groups who think the walkway is a really good place to stand and discuss their next hour at the park.
People who get in front of you, with their kids on their shoulders or whatever, for a parade, when you have been standing there for ages. I had someone do this to me at the Magic Kingdom years ago. We got a good spot early, and some dumbass cuts in front of us, and proceeds to stand his kid on the trash can that we were standing behind. Very loudly, I said "Well, this was a good spot until some idiot put his kid in my way." Yeah, he left.
I've seriously seen kids that could have their learner's permit rolling in one of those things.
The other one I cannot stand is the couple (usually two ugly, sweaty 15 year olds who were dropped off and left to their own devices by parents more than willing to shirk their parental responsibilities) that just will not stop fondling each other in the 45 minute switchback queue to the park's number one ride. They look like dogs tied by the tongue. Ewww gross. Just stop, for the love of God, no one wants to see that awfulness. I have often considered giving one of these couples $50 to go find an alley and leave the rest of the civilized world alone. But then, I am sure the parents would finally get involved in their kids' lives at that point, if only to find out who made such an offer to their wonderful kids so they could sue me. Ugh! I honestly stopped going to Worlds of Fun on Friday and Saturday nights because of this unconscionable problem.
Anyway, great post, Derek, as always.
MIFLYs: Woman who try and dress sexy while walking through a park with their kids
Where's the Pool: People who dress their kids in bathing suits even though the theme park doesn't have water park
Poncho?: If your on a water ride, you need to get wet...don't wear a poncho
And if you are afraid the seat is dirty because someone stepped on it, you shouldn't be at a theme park, because those seats are probably dirty with a lot more than some random shoe stuff. Sometimes it is much easier to step on a seat to get in an out of a ride, because of the design. You just have to assume that solid surfaces are not up to operating room standards.
And I would put the "people who act out the rides" on the same level as people who sing the songs at a concert -- yes, YOU paid to fully appreciate the ride, but others have paid to enjoy things there way, and if someone wants to do a "rocky horror picture show" on a ride, I'm not going to yell at them or let it upset me. Having random non-ride conversations that interfere though, that is annoying.
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