April 11, 2013, 12:23 PM · Disney’s Hollywood Studios – It’s bad when a 76-year-old actor so badly wants to be included on a new film project that he will do anything shy of dropping trou to let everyone know how great he is. In fact Lando, or as he prefers to be called, Billy Dee Calrissian, is going to participate in the this year’s fourth Star Wars Weekend (June 7th – 9th), autographing women’s bosoms and kissing babies to hopefully get in the good graces of the Mouse Overlord and possibly pick up a working gig with the new movie. They could work him into the story by making one of Han and Leia’s kids look, uh, a bit different than one might expect…
Disney World’s Magic Kingdom – The Imagineers put out a new video on A Pirates Adventure: Treasure of the Seven Seas. This game is for people who go to the park too much and are willing to waste half of their day not riding the rides. I think this is a great idea, because it gets little monsters out of the line in front of me.
Disneyland Paris – Disney Dreams is gearing up for a July release for the Light Ears in sync with the show. So where did the video come from? Good question, I would think that it was some sort of dress rehearsal of the system. From what I see in the video, they need to put these suckers on sale already. I do want to point out the fact that it is really important to not buy your own set, but stand next to some people who have some, so you get the whole effect of the show.
Disney Motion Pictures – We have some early word that the Disney Company is working on a couple of movies right now that I thought you might be interested in hearing about. Both of these are still in the script stage, so consider these to be rumors until they have cast the thing and have most of it in the can…or on the memory stick, however they do it these days. They are currently working on Tron 3 and a reboot of the Black Hole. Feel free to let the speculation begin. Tron 3 seemed like a slam dunk since they are working on the ride for Shanghai Disneyland, but the Black Hole has been out of mind for quite a while. One has to wonder why they would dust that old thing off and try to give it a new life.
Universal Studios Florida – We are starting to hear rumors that Transformers might be ready for a soft opening and cast member previews as early as the end of this month. From what I hear, if they are able to open the ride on this highly accelerated schedule, management will not have to torture and kill the final two kittens from the original litter of a half dozen. It may not be a traditional form of motivation, but it seem to work really effectively on this project. In other news, tracks for the Hogwarts Express are currently going up at an amazing rate…probably because the construction foreman was seen walking around with a golden retriever puppy.
Busch Gardens Tampa – It would seem that Gwazi’s days in the park are numbered. Added to that is what we overheard in that the Tiger side is closed permanently. I have to wonder if management is placing frantic messages on Rocky Mountain Coaster’s answering machine or if they are ordering a stockpile of marshmallows. With all that bad news, it always nice to know that a preview of a show that recycles old movie footage can use a catchy and somewhat annoying song to get you to tap your foot and leave it open in another browser still playing as you use your main browser to check in with your bookie before the NBA finals begin.
Busch Gardens Williamsburg – We are getting or first hint of what the park might be thinking about installing for next year. Since Gwazi, in Tampa, is gearing down, someone overheard that the coaster trains that are not being used are going to be shipped to Williamsburg. This seems to indicate that they will be used for something other than a display with a plaque. The area that it looks like they are expanding into is where Drachen Fire used to be, which seems to indicate an expansion of Oktoberfest or maybe the long rumored addition of Spain. I’m hoping for an Amsterdam section, but don’t think that a family theme park could properly do it justice.
Cedar Point – Safety, schmafty…it looks fine from here. Slip the guy a $50 and you can get on before the manufacturer. I love how he is able to keep a straight face when he says that they run it all day for a week and someone from the maintenance crew doesn’t sneak on before the manufacturer’s people get on it. Whatever. Like his neighbor’s kids haven’t already been on it 20 times.
Kings Island – While they are saving up their pennies this year in order to put in a huge roller coaster next year in the old footprint of Son of Beast, the park is getting spruced up with a couple of surprises for its Dinosaurs Alive upcharge attraction. I don’t want to spoil it in case you are planning on a visit, but I can tell you this much, “Earth Quake Lizard”.
HersheyPark – The Chocolate World attraction right outside the gate of HersheyPark is currently undergoing a major expansion and adding a new 4D theater. While the show is still top secret, I was able to gain a little bit of information from the chocolate bar. When he refused to talk any further, I had to eat five of his brothers, slowly, in front of him before he would spill his guts about the top secret portions of the project. After I went into diabetic shock from too much chocolate, my wife taped the latest episode of Once Upon A Time over the recording, but I was able to salvage this little bit here:
Elitch Gardens – With the new laws passed in Colorado, it seems like Elitches is making a pitch to really pack some people into the park buy adding a marijuana shop (which is now legal in Colorado), a gambling casino, and a strip club. And to be honest, I probably still won’t visit…even if there was a shread of truth in any of that…
Six Flags Over Georgia – It looks like Ninja is going to be back in action on May 17th. Now take care of it this time. Don’t make us take it away from you again.
Grand Texas Theme Park – The Little Unobtrusive Theme Park, now has a new name and is getting ready to buy some land near Houston, Texas to give people some Texas sized thrills that have been missing since AstroWorld was sold to an empty lot developer. They are proposing what they call a “top ten wooden roller coaster” called Get Your Liberal A$$ Out of Texas. They have also mentioned a couple other rides, but this is by no means a complete list of attractions: A dark ride where you are an armed teacher shooting at school bullies, a shooting gallery called Silence the Democrat, a kind of Huss Rainbow ride that is themed to and attached to an actual working oil pump called Texas Black Gold, a huge drop tower called I’m Taller Than You (oddly not themed to guns or oil, but it is one of the few), and some kind of spinning ride called Revolution (which is strangely unthemed), among many others.
Sources: As a journalist, I have been informed that I should not give up my sources, even if a judge demands them of me.
April 11, 2013 at 12:31 PM ·
Ok, that Hershey video was hilarious! I can't stop laughing! If the whole show is like that with out of sync mouths and bad animation I have to see it!
April 11, 2013 at 1:22 PM ·
^ I think it is....if you check YouTube there is a Hershey Kiss video out there and rumors of a Reeses Peanut Butter Cup video...
April 11, 2013 at 3:10 PM ·
Jeff, I've been reading your article over and over, and I've been trying to find something sarcastic to say about it. So far, no luck. It's a really great article, one of your best (and funniest)! Hey, wait a minute...what do you mean you wouldn't go to Elitch's even if it had a strip club?! Since when would you pass up a chance to take off your shirt and do a pole dance in front of strangers? Oh, wait, that was last year after your second beer at Cedar Point. Just before Security "asked" us to leave. Sorry.
April 11, 2013 at 3:35 PM ·
I agree with James - about the article not the striptease at The Point (I wasn't there, uh, at least I don't remember being there). A superb, laugh out loud post. I appreciate the yucks after another long day at the office.
April 12, 2013 at 12:43 PM ·
Jeff, I like your style.... and Hershey's chocolate is gritty and nasty. Only one step above Palmer and Russel Stover.... ugh.
71.178.217.74
April 13, 2013 at 3:43 PM ·
Awww, jealous you will never even remotely come close to the cool that is Billy Dee? B/c it isn't just the LC role, but those in Mahogany, Lady Sings the Blues, etc - even Nighthawks. BDW is the coolest of the cool! They built a whole "Modern Family" episode around him. Which I loved, especially Phil's reaction at the end)! And Lucas should have put him in the last batch of SW movies. Since those movies were 90% CGI, they could have easily shaved 50 years off of him. Or said his race ages backwards, a la Benjamin Buttons.
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